Is it OK to flirt a little if “it means nothing”?

For the most part people feel a little flirt here or there is totally fine. In fact, some people may even consider these private moments of titillation a healthy co-curricular activity to keep themselves feeling fresh and validated in their sexual appeal. But can a flirt ever mean nothing? Does anything ever mean nothing? 🤔 
 
On one level we can look at a flirtatious interaction and say no boundaries have been crossed. If this was really the case however, why can it feel so devastating to a partner witnessing a flirtation? Or why would we only ever entertain a flirt when our partner is not around?  

Have we stopped to consider that there might be more to flirting than what meets the eye?  

Have you ever considered the harm these dalliances can cause to your partner, your relationship and yourself?  

Have you ever stopped to consider why a flirt may be happening in the first place?  

Could it be a red flag that something is missing in your relationship and needs to be addressed?  

 Boundaries in relationship are not just physical. Boundaries are made up of a multitude of unseen factors that all generate the feel of experience. Boundaries are not just about keeping things out; they’re about creating space for what we want to thrive. They behold what we’re saying yes to. How can you be fully transparent and present with your partner while making love if you have secrets? What goes on privately or internally during a flirt is kept secret, that is part of its unique flavour that ultimately puts a wedge between you and your partner.  

 Flirting specifically comes with a flavour of suggestion, a pinch of private fantasy, a titillation of possibility, there’s an underlying hook in a flirt that is advertising an opening to taking things further. No wonder it feels so betraying, no wonder it’s kept secret.  

 Now let’s step back a moment and examine this question: How do you think affairs start? At what point does the possibility commence? If we really track things back, it’s before anything physical has taken place and usually before any fliting has occurred. If we’re being honest, the very first step away from commitment is a thought that there might be something better out there for you. But where did such a thought come from?   

 Many couples looking to repair their relationship after an affair have reported that they felt a disconnect or lack of transparency and intimacy with their partner for some time before the affair occurred. It’s easy to see how these small nudges away from each other gather momentum toward catastrophic events. If you’re holding back in your relationship, if you’re not making the most of your relationship, if you’re not addressing loneliness, hurt, disappointments etc you’re creating gaps in love for doubt, and the exploration of other possibilities to enter, which often lead to the said “harmless” flirt and all the rest to follow.  

What if we looked at the flirt in a different way. What if we didn’t make it about good and bad, right and wrong but about a communication. What is the activity of flirting telling you? If you’re the one flirting is there something about the relationship you’re in that you feel dissatisfied about? Have you addressed it with your partner? Are you looking outside the relationship to avoid the responsibility of greater intimacy, vulnerability and transparency with your partner? Are you inadvertently sabotaging your relationship with micro-doses of mistrust and private fantasy? Is perhaps the relationship you’re in not it but you’re scared to move on?  

If we’re open to exploring our behaviour more deeply than simply labelling it with good or bad, then a whole wealth of insight becomes available. So, the next time you feel that tantalising sensation of elevation from a flirt ask yourself what is really going on? Could it be an opportunity to connect with your partner about what you’re feeling so things can be addressed?   

I worked with a couple to building deeper trust and intimacy in their relationship. They had processed several affairs the wife had had and were doing quite well. There was however still dissatisfaction around the lack of love making. The wife one day disclosed to her husband that she had been flirting with a man at the supermarket, and it had felt nice to receive that kind of attention.  

 Previously there was no way she would have ever been honest about such an interaction for fear of an escalated quarrel. But by having each other’s backs the couple were able to discuss what was missing in their relationship for this flirtatious incident to occur. They both realised they needed to prioritise having more fun together and making more time for each other. They worked together to understand what the flirt was communicating and then responded in a way that brought them closer together and generated more trust and commitment.  

 So, a flirt can be a powerful tool of reflection to improve our relationships or a powerful tool to undermine and corrode it. Above is a wonderful example of the former. Either way, it’s safe to say that a flirt is never meaningless.