It’s not my job to keep you together.
This may sound like an unexpected thing for a relationship counsellor to say but it is in fact true. One of the first things I say to my couples is that my job is not to keep you together but to support you to get to the truth. And yes, sometimes the truth is to stay together and work on things, whereas other times couples need support to respectfully go their separate ways. It’s important to realise that either way you’re still in relationship, especially when children are involved.
Relationship is defined as the way two or more people are connected, interact, or behave toward each other. Therefore, you’re still in relationship with your ex, even if you don’t talk to them. That’s your relationship, one where you don’t talk. It’s key to realise that you have a choice to make about how you want this new relationship to feel and what impact it may continue to have you both and others.
As a counsellor, my job is to support you to discover and claim what your truth is. I’ve worked with many couples experiencing immense pain within the relationship to only discover that when they separate, the pain and heart ache continues. Breaking up, leaving, separating, divorcing are terms often thrown around in desperation to change things. However, unless the way you relate changes the only thing that has changed is the title of your relationship. You can still hurt each other when you’re not “together”. A messy exit and subsequent aftermath typically play out when there’s no thought given to how you want things to feel moving forward.
Splitting finances is tough, even when you're civil. Navigating child custody arrangements and co-parenting is tough too. When there's resistance to relating, collaborating and respecting one another, both become far more difficult and in some cases weaponised to hurt each other more.
Effective therapy assists couples to move beyond the pain and disappointment they may have experienced, both within the relationship and through its ending. It helps ensure that pain doesn't shape what comes next. The last thing we want is to divide finances or navigate child custody and co-parenting through lenses coloured by hurt and disappointment. This isn't about ignoring those feelings. It's about working through them in a healthy way, so they don’t drive or guide your decisions.
Therapy sessions act like a rudder to keep you on track toward positive relational outcomes. By providing objective guidance, couples are better able to heal, improve communication skills, establish ground rules regarding living arrangements and sharing assets, and determining how to communicate the separation to children, extended family & friends in a healthy and honouring manner.
One of the best ways to move forward from a relationship is to realise, in simplicity, that you’ve had your “go”, and it didn’t work out. Sad maybe but not defining. The way you are in each moment going forward is what gives definition. Realise now that you can make the focus what will define your newly titled relationship and how this may impact others.
For example, you cannot truly act in your child's best interests if your actions are intended to destroy their mother or father. The best way to care for your children is to support the wellbeing of both parents, emotionally and financially wherever possible. When one parent is hurt unnecessarily, children inevitably feel the effects. Your relationship with each other is separate from each parent's relationship with your child, and that distinction should be honoured.
When couples separating are supported to heal and look beyond personal disappointment and pain, they can connect with a deeper sense of responsibility and purpose to make things more loving in their newly titled relationship. I have witnessed many couples become far more responsible for their behaviours and reactions post separation than what they ever lived while in relationship.
Another way therapy supports both parties is by identifying and replacing toxic communication habits, such as criticism and contempt, with collaborative problem-solving skills, which can go a long way to prevent a highly acrimonious separation. It is wise to learn these important relationship skills on the way out as whatever you leave unaddressed will be the baggage you carry with you. In other words, you’re going to have to deal with any pent-up resentment, hurt, bitterness and anger at some point otherwise it will continue to do harm well after the “relationship” has ended.
A wise person once said that we always have a choice to do things either with pain, or without pain. The goal of therapy is to support couples to surrender the pain, so you can start moving without it. This is why my intent as a counsellor can never be to keep couples together as this may not be their truth nor the most loving path for both. My intent is to always support you to realise and live what is true and loving.
